Guest Blogger Jeremy Nelson Reponds To DWB Readers

Dear Jeremy,
I am a black woman very open to dating white men, but I'm not sure why I'm not being asked out by any? I don't ask guys out because it's not my style. But how can I "encourage" them to ask me out? Help!

Anonymous March 23, 2010 



Thank you for writing in and asking this question.   It's the #1 question black women ask me or complain about when they are wanting to go in the direction of dating white men.  I think most black women are so used to black men approaching them and asking them on dates, they automatically assume that all men are like this.  So they start to wonder why white men don't do it although some of them seem interested.

Here's the thing ladies: white men in general don't know how to approach women or ask them for dates.  They don't know how to be straight forward and tell a woman that they are interested.  A white man may smile and he may even talk and have good conversation.  However they won't approach a woman.  White men are just as afraid to approach you as you are to them.

Some black women may find it difficult to approach a white man because she may think "What if this guy is racist, not interested or simply goes off?"  Since you said it's not your style to approach men or ask them out, get to know them and feel them out.  Smile at the guy and see if he smiles back.  Wave to him and say hello.  Make some light conversation and  let him know you're interested or like white guys.  That will let him know that you're interested or and open to dating white men.  So at that point it's up to him to take the next step and ask for your number/email or just straight up ask you out.  I would say that if you do these things and he still doesn't step up,  he's not interested.  So just keep it moving forward and continue to look elsewhere.  You will find one eventually if you stay on that path.  Now if you're online, make small talk with them and do the same things.  People seem to be more relaxed and chill online.  It's a good way to get to know them and feel them out.  This is great because you can do so without having to give any personal information out about yourself without really knowing anything about them.

I hope this helps you out and answers your questions!

If you have more questions, maybe I can do another guest spot here or you can hit me up on my Facebook page Jeremy Nelson or on Myspace at BlackWhiteConnections

Hi Jeremy,
Thanks for taking our questions.
 
There is a white guy that I like and I know he likes me too. The issue is whenever we meet up he wants to ask me very personal, deep questions. This makes me uncomfortable as I am not the sort to share myself so readily with someone I am not very close to, or whose trust has not been proven. This may not be an interracial thing, but just a dating thing. He is very handsome, well educated and a sweetheart, really a catch. Anyways, how can I let him know I am interested, but not interested in revealing the depths of my soul so soon? I have tried evasive actions, but he is so persistent we end up having a quarrel because I become annoyed. Thanks again.

Anonymous, March 24, 2010 1:40 AM


You’re welcome and thank you for writing in!

To be able to fully answer this question I would need to know exactly the questions he's asking because it's normal for people to ask personal questions when they are getting to know someone.  In fact that's how you get to know someone as well as build up and develop trust and the ONLY way to prove trust is to test it.  Now that doesn't mean you just meet someone and in the first five minutes it's okay for them to ask you tons of extremely personal questions such as sexual topics,  your phone number, rather or not you’ve experienced abuse as a child and things like that.  However IT IS normal for them to ask you things like, where did you grow up, what was it like growing up for you with x number of  brothers/sisters, do you have kids/how many kids, kids ages, your age, ect.  Sounds to me like you may have MAJOR trust issues and if this is the case you should deal with those before you step foot into the dating game and start developing something serious with someone.

Other than that, you’re meeting up with them and going places together, as well as talking on the phone, texting and emailing, that alone should tell the guy you’re interested.   However if he’s asking you questions to get to know you and you’re blowing up because you’re  uncomfortable with the questions, then that's going to tell him that:

a) You're crazy or have MAJOR issues and/or

b) Maybe you aren't as interested as you say or seem and aren't seriously looking as he is.

If you want to continue to get to know him or anyone else and you’re not comfortable with sharing certain bits of information, you need to tell them.  If they ask you a clarifying question to understand why you don't won’t answer certain things, then give them one.  Let them know that you would appreciate it if they respected you and your feelings enough not to go there.  Also let them know ready to you'll let them know.

I hope that answers your question for you and that I wasn't too harsh.  However  that's my style. I give advice raw and uncut in its purest form without a lot of extra things that can get in the way.   If you would  like to discuss this further, hit me up on Facebook
here or on Myspace at BlackWhiteConnections

In the online dating world I have received winks, and smiles, but usually no deeper conversation beyond that.  And a lot of these come from men in their late 50's plus.  Do I need to be the pursuer? Which is very tough for me.  I'd like to hear what I as a Black woman almost 40 need to think, do, in order to let guys know I am single, open to dating White Men preferably closer to my age (versus 55 plus).  And in person, I seem to get the smiles too and even the occasional hello's but nothing further, I am guessing it is me - but ... just not sure.

Anonymous March 24, 2010 9:09 AM


Thank you for writing in and let me tell you right now...IT'S NOT YOU!!!!

With these online single dating sites, a vast majority of the users aren't paying members. So basically all they can do is send smiles, winks and things like that. They aren't able to send an email to you or anything like that unless they are paying customers.  That's why on my site I'm going to set it up so that free members can send one or two emails per day to reach out to people.

Now I would say that yes, in some form you DO need to be the pursuer.  Many people online that are looking for someone on dating sites think all they have to do is post a profile, add a picture and wait for responses.  Now, if that's what you're doing it's not very likely that you're going to get many responses.  As  I said before, most members aren't full paying members and can't send you emails.  Also you're limiting yourself to the people who want to reach out to you. These folks may be dealing with their own issues.  Some of which may be not feeling comfortable about making the first move or not knowing what to say (don't you just hate filling out those blank profiles and figuring out what to say about yourself?).  So with online dating if you want more responses and possible dates,  you also need to reach out and be the pursuer as well.  Then let the guys email you!

Go through the profiles and see who you would like to get to know and actually read their profile so you can get a feel for them and be prepared to have something  to write back if you decide to email them.  When you email them just give a simple introductory  such as, how are you doing, my name is so and so.  I was going through profiles on here and I like what I see in yours.  I thought I would stop in to say hi.  If you noticed something in common with them on their profile, mention this then wish them a good day and wait to see if they respond.

Most dating sites will allow a non-paying member to send an email back should the paying member send out the initial email.  As far as letting guys know that you're single online that's easy because every site has a section asking if you're single, married, involved, or in a long-term relationship.  When they look at your profile they will know that you're single. Now as for letting them know you're single in person, smile, say hi and wave to them.  Strike up a conversation and let them know you're single and looking.  That will let them know you're available and that your interested.

If age and your openness to white men is important, place these points in your profile in the about me section.  Let them know exactly what you're looking for so there's no guess-work involved.  In person, be approachable smile, wave, or strike up a conversation to see If they are interested. If they are, then you can proceed about being single and not being able to find what you're looking for.  If the guy isn't picking up on your clues then make it plain to him and let them know that you're looking for a white man.  Because at this point he could be thinking  that you're just being nice and wondering why you are telling him all of this.  Once you tell him that you're only interested in white men a light should go on.  If he's interested, at that point it's up to him to take the ball and run with it.

As I said earlier most white guys don't know how to approach women or are terrified of doing it.  So the more you make things easier for them to take that ball and run with it, the better!

I hope this helps you out and answers your questions for you.  If you have more questions want to discuss this further with me I would be more than happy to.  Just hit me up on Facebook or Myspace .  I  will be more than happy to help you out as much as I can.

Hey Jeremy

I wanted to know what might be a couple of reasons that may stop a white man from asking a black woman out on a date although he is interested in her?

Anonymous March 25, 2010, 12:12 AM

Hey thanks for writing in with this question.  I'm surprised that I haven't been asked this one yet and I think it's VERY important for all of you beautiful black queens to know the answer.  Then you don't have to wonder if it's you or if white men aren't interested.

As I've said in some of my earlier responses and on my blogs, white men in general don't know how to approach women-much less a black woman.  There's also the issues of wondering if  you're interested or if you're a racist.  They're also wondering how you'll react if they choose to approach you first (such as looking at them crazy or going off).  Basically the fear of not knowing how you'll respond plays a big part in it.

Also there's the issue that perhaps his friends/family may be racist.  Then there's the issue of trying to explain his relationship to his family.  He may also believe that he won't be comfortable with some of the looks that the two of you no doubt will get while out in public.   And last but not least,there's the issue or concern of how your family will react and if they are racist.  You may be surprised of the war stories I have heard from other couples that have reached out and decided to go down this path.

I myself have never had anything extremely bad happen.  But  I will say that with every single black woman who I have dated over the past 12 years,  there has been at least one person that in her family that tried to step to me.  Most have been warnings like If I hurt her or don't treat her right they will beat me or even kill me and things like that.  I've never been the one whose been scared of threats.  Let's just say that I'm well known in the streets and every woman that's been with me has always felt protected.  Besides, I'm a gentleman and I don't treat ANY  woman in that sort of manner.  So connected friends and family members never had anything to worry about.

Thanks again everyone for the questions and thank you once again Selena for inviting me to do this guest spot on your blog.  Everyone, be on the look out for BlackWhiteConnections this summer because we are  doing some MAJOR things that have NEVER been done before and will blow your mind!

Jeremy

Jill Scott, What Were You Thinking?

You know the moment when you realize that fine, accomplished brother is with a White woman? Let’s call it “the wince.” My new friend is handsome, African-American, intelligent and seemingly wealthy. He is an athlete, loves his momma, and is happily married to a White woman. I admit when I saw his wedding ring, I privately hoped. But something in me just knew he didn’t marry a sister. I felt my spirit…wince. When our people were enslaved, “Massa” placed his Caucasian woman on a pedestal. She was spoiled, revered and angelic, while the Black slave woman was overworked, beaten, raped and farmed out like cattle to be mated. She was nothing and neither was our Black man. We reflect on this awful past and recall that if a Black man even looked at a White woman, he would have been lynched, beaten, jailed or shot to death. These harsh truths lead to what we really feel when we see a seemingly together brother with a Caucasian woman and their children. While we exert efforts to raise our sons and daughters to appreciate themselves and respect others, most of us end up doing this important work alone, with no fathers or like representatives, limited financial support and, on top of everything else, an empty bed- Jill Scott

See...this ish right here. This is one of the main reasons why I don't read, borrow, steal (or buy for that matter) a MESSence magazine. I just have one question:

Jill what were you THINKING?

*Clutching my pearls*

Before I go on, let me throw out this disclaimer:

Although Jill Scott, may share the melanin and ancestry background of most African-American women, she by NO means speaks for me or many others. We DO NOT care who black men date, mate, sex-out, trick-out, use and abuse. We do not flinch, wince, mince, itch or scratch our butts when Tyrone, Dante, or Dequan is walking down the street with a non-black woman- DWB

End Scene

Fades to white...and...ACTION

*leans over and grabs Jill's ear* So tell me Sis, how much did MESSence pay you to do this lousy interview?

MESSence truly is reaching to pull those mighty dollars in. Just when you thought main stream media was gunning for black women, true to form, MESSence is happily bringing up the rear.

Jill, I have one more question for you. After several of your own failed relationships, what's your take on black women and interracial relationships? Um, did I say one more question? Pardon me, I meant two. More importantly, would you say your failed marriage was the result of not dating non-black men?

Per MESSence's usual Modus Operandi, here's another "let's uplift black men and kick our sisters to the curb" articles. Furthermore the interview was random and unnecessary.

This article also reeks of the "Man" is the real reason why our black men ain't got no "ack" right and laced with a touch of "nobody wants us colored gurls no mo". Jill honey, this is 2010 not 1810. Its high time that you and whoever else stop passing blame.

Just when I thought MESSence couldn't get any messier they surpass all expectations.

I'm out!

Speed Dating With Patti Stanger

"Joe was kinda low key. The minute Jheri came to the table all of a sudden his personality was brought to life…and she let him lead -Patti Stanger

So this is what goes on during speed dating.

Zoe & Peter - Dang Zoe looks like she just got out of bed. I guess that hair is the business.

Julia & Elliot- Oh my Elliot is a barrel of laughs. Wait a minute did she just Sieg Heil his azz?!? I guess she didn't get the memo lol.

Julie & Mike- "Elaine" is definitely down with the swirl no doubt about it. Uh from the looks of it, I think its best she sticks with Seinfeld.

Monet & Mike- Have you noticed that the non-black women don't hesitate to ask Mike his ethnicity? I'm sure he's probably used to it but damn give Kojak a break!

Jheri & Peter- I think overall this one was the best match. Cute!

Black Women Rock! Pays Tribute To Betty Davis

"Black Women Rock!" will feature women of color who believe in breaking out of the mold and ignoring stereotypes just as Davis did with her music in the 70's. Long before Lil' Kim or Madonna, Davis was performing in skimpy lingerie and high-heels, singing songs like the turn-up-your-nose-to-Mr Wrong-anthem "Anti-Love Song" from her 1973 album "Betty Davis." The song proclaimed that she would resist getting involved in a toxic relationship.  More after the jump...

Wow my hometown is doing big things.  Wish I was there to see it *sad face*