Monday, July 12, 2010

Can We Please Let It Go?

So I was invited to an interracial get together a few days ago.  I had an amazing time- great food, great wine, and interesting people. There were men from all walks of life: white collar, blue collar, computer analysis, teachers, and entrepreneurs.  There were various races present too: Caucasians, African-Americans, Asians, and Haitians just to name a few.   

But here lies the issue:

At one point during the evening, a young black woman leans over to me and whispers, “I always wanted to know why black men came to parties like this.” Then she glared over to the two black men having a lively conversation with three white women over glasses of wine.   I looked over at her and said “I’m hoping they’re here for the same reason you are…to meet people and fun.”  

Suddenly she snapped out of her fog like daze and said, “Um what I’m saying is, I’ve dated white men before…my last boyfriend was white, but like, since I’ve moved here, black men, don’t really seem interested.”  Now keep in mind there was a bi-racial man (Asian/Black) sitting next to her and heard our conversation.  He interrupts her and asks, “Then why do you care what black men are doing?”  So she spends the next 10 minutes trying to back-pedal her way out of the question.  However “bi-racial guy” still tries to flirt with her (hard too) but her head was still stuck on the “brothas” at the party-and it showed too!

Just to be fair, black women aren’t the only ones who just can’t let it go and move on.  I came across a very impressive website dedicated to Asian men and the women who love them.  It’s been around for about four or five years now.  There are active forums, galleries, and members can create individual blogs.  If you are in a relationship with an Asian man, there’s a support system in place where you can discuss cultural and relationship issues.  I believe the main purpose of the site is to reinforce positivity as well as uplift Asian men.  A concept I believe many would agree that’s needed in the Asian community.  

However, many of the Asian men spend most of their time on the site blogging about …wait for it…Asian women!  Topics like, “why are Asian women dating white men”, “we love our Asian beautiful women”,  “why are Asian women dating/marrying out” are blogged and discussed quite often. 

Of course the writers and forum members are met with the usual “you guys are so sexy there are plenty of women who love you and find you beautiful and yada, yada, yada.  In one of the forums there was even some talk about hooking up with white women just to get back at Asian women.  For a minute I thought I was on Black Voices or the Young Black and Fabulous site.  The similarities were uncanny.  How creepy is that?

At first I thought about joining but I asked myself why? Instead I exited the site thinking to myself, “Wow, is this how non-black men feel when they hear black women spouting off about black love?”

I'm Out!


  1. Probably. You know what Janice and I just talked about recently? Black women and Asian men are lightweights on the online sexy scale. What I see is an opportunity here for some hot, Blasian love. Unfortunately, there's sill a lot of whining on both sides, and a lot of wishful thinking. Also a HUGE hurdle to overcome is the stereotypes about Asian men and their lack of...endowments. Asian men also have certain negative stereotypes about us as well...

  2. LikewaterforchocolatJuly 12, 2010 at 12:45 PM

    I mean, what is the purpose of going to an interracial mixer if you are only looking for black men? Truth be told, this chick sounds like a spy working for the other side. And by the other side, I mean black women who seek to always know what's going on inside the heads of black men and are holding on to hopes that while seeking love outside of their race a suitable black man will majestically pop into their lives just before they take the plung into IR dating. I often experienced this on some interracial dating sites. I hate turning down "brothas" who are on an IR when my profile specifically states that I am interested in non-black men

  3. This woman is not dating interracially because she is serious about about finding love in whatever pckg it may come in. She is dating to take up her time until her black knight arrives. Logic would say all the ppl at the mixer would be there to meet ppl of other races, yet she is hungup because the black men were not paying attention to her, that would defy the purpose of the mixer. Yes, there are many women and men who are dating outside their races, but still hoping a same race partner will come along.

  4. That is the frustrating thing about it. There are those of us who prefer non-BM. I mean, how many guys want to be considered "Second Best?"
    I would rather be with someone who wanted to be with me, not just someone who is passing the time until the person the really want comes along. As a BW, I have become more aware that a good man comes in all colors and ethnic backgrounds. One of my best friends is engaged to a Chinese guy. She prefers AM and she has gotten criticism from BM and WM--oddly enough, about her preference. BM do not own BW and WM do not own WW or BW, for that matter. People need to mind their own business and let people have their preferences.

  5. If i were at an IR mixer the last person I would be looking at is a bm. I mean seriously doesn't that defeat the purpose. Me and my friend are planning on going a mixed club becuz we are seeking wm/non-bm. If there are bm there, then they're not my business. If your friend just smiled and focused on the other men she would have a better time, than debating.

  6. LikewaterforchocolatJuly 12, 2010 at 8:56 PM

    I need to find some IR mixers here in my town (Atlanta, that is, so if anybody knows anything..). I particularly love European men. I have tried the whole "mixed club" idea and it seems like any black dude in the place will gravitate towards me and try to chat me up. I am never rude or super-dismissive but there are times when I wish that I had a remote control with a "do not approach me" button on it that I can hit to keep them from approaching me.

    I know this sounds mean, but I'm just saying...

  7. I'd be annoyed with her certainty that I would be as obsessed with the "brothas" as she is. I'd love to attend a race and gender specific mixer: bw and non-black or mixed men only. That way at least people like her would be filtered out 'cause she's definitely wasting her own time.

  8. @ Likewaterforchocolat,

    It's as though they looked right pass your requirements because frankly you don't know what you really want *rolls eyes*

    @ Christelyn,

    Yeah those stereotypes are a funny thing. Me personally, I don't give much weight to any of that. I take everyone at face-value. I have yet to be approached by an Asian man so until then *shrugs*

    @ Skypurple,

    Yes girl I think it's the best way to meet non-bm. But seriously, bm will be too busy doing their own thing to get all up in your business. Now the party that I attended, yeah there were a couple of ones that tried to holler, but it wasn't like they were trying to block. They did their little meet-n-greet, saw what I was about and kept it friendly and kept it moving.

    @ Anon,

    My new name for women like that: dating-while-parked, or drive-by-daters!

  9. hahah wow. theres always that annoying person with that annoying opinion that ruins a good time.

  10. @ FunkyStarkitty,

    I guess this is probably why many find it hard to believe that not all bw are "mesmerized" by bm. I guess its easier to clump all of us together *sigh*

  11. LikewaterforchocolatJuly 13, 2010 at 12:12 PM

    As I posted my comment last night, I remembered that I have a membership with the meetup website for some other interests that I have and decided to check to see if there were any interracial social clubs in the Atlanta area. Well, there is one that started July 11,2010 (seriously!?) and had only 1 member who is the organizer named (G.A.S "grown and sexy"). Anyhoodle, I am reluctant to join because the organzier is a guy (a black guy) and in his pic he was dressed in ball cap, a white tank and jeans. I am not interested in bm of this ilk much less any other type of man. I also don't want to attend mixers with loads of black men and "other-raced" women. Although, this is supposed to be and IR social club, something tells me that it will mostly cater to bm and the IR women who love them. So, it is funny that GoldenAh mentioned it, because at that moment, I realized that maybe I should start my own meetup geared towards black women and the IR men that love them.

  12. Bravo Likewaterforchocolat *applause*

    Recently I did a post on a young lady out in Nebraska and she has one or two members herself. I think a great way to get members is to do a small blog, nothing fancy, about your new group and add twitter and Facebook then have them linked to your Meetup group. If you decide to start your own group, check out a post I did a while back: International Meetup Groups.

    Scroll down to the last paragraph which will be a short review on a group in Raleigh, NC. Contact the founder Cori (She's on Facebook too) and she will help you with any questions on how to get some great membership. Also on that same page, there's a white guy that started a group Chicago. He too has a blog, Twitter and Youtube account linked to his group.

    Another great idea is to head back over to the Meetup site and see whose on a waiting list for another interracial group in your area. I'm sure there's folks just like yourself just itching to join.

    If you're not ready to take that route yet, sign up for the group you found anyway and wait and see who joins. You may attract other bw and non-black men to the group :-)

    Make sure you also add your name to an IRR waiting list for your city/town well so Meetups can shoot you an email should another group opens up!

    Good luck and have fun!

  13. I have to agree with you in the sense that people need to let it go and date whoever they want regardless of race. People are always going to be in your business so you may as well listen to your gut!

    I recently launched a blog, Racy JC, that approaches interracial dating in a new, honest, real, and non-PC way. Please check it out!
    social media: jcdaviesauthor

    And never forget interracial dating is great and you can do it! Racy JC

  14. LikewaterforchocolatJuly 13, 2010 at 2:57 PM

    Thanks Selena for the info. I will check it out. As for other IR meetup groups in my area, there is only that ONE that I found. Well, if I do get around to starting something there won't be much competition.:-) There was one other group for IR families and another for IR marrieds/couples. I will go ahead and join that one to see what happens and guage whether I should make special efforts to strike out on my own.

  15. like Waterforchocolat -

    My two cents - There are already weekly/monthly meetup groups for ir dating in other cities, but not for single bw specically - you idea sounds great. If you do start a weekly mixer for bw and non-bm on meetup, be sure to keep the group 'private' - only people who join can see pictures of the other members - not everyone wants their prefrences blasted. And maybe put up a (free) ad on Atlanta craigslist - men seeking women and women seeking men. There are 100's of wm and bw seeking each other on that site. Also, and IR websites - afroromance? - to pull in a diverse group of people.

    At some of the other singles meetups they 'balance' for men and women, the same as in nightclubs - so if there are 65 people attending - 35 must be men, 30 must be women.
    I'm not sure if you'd want to get that detailed with the first one though.

    This sounds like fun!

  16. LikewaterforchocolatJuly 14, 2010 at 1:11 PM

    Thanks guys! I am getting really excited about this now, since I have gained so much positive feedback. It also helps me in finding a strategy for getting this off of the ground. By providing me with different resouces, I think I may try to do some planning for this. I had no idea of how I would get the appropriate traffic to this group to make it a success. But these are all very good suggestions. I am glad I found this website with this type of support. I was thinking of organizing a trip through Georgia wine country for a day and inviting some friends. Now, I think that this would be the perfect type of 1-day outing for single IR daters.

    Thanks ladies!

  17. I hate that the answer to this is get over it, not just here but wherever I read this topic if a black woman wants to date a black man, than rather than sitting around feeling as if a potential mate for you went to a white, asian, hispanic etc woman, create or join groups that will direct you to black men that want you.

    This isn't such a big issue that black women aren't able to find black men to date, it's feeling as if a black man is obligated to date us and feeding into media saying you're not wanted.

    I have no issue with black men finding me attractive and my struggles with finding one and I'm sure white, asian, hispanic, etc women run into the same issues, is finding someone compatible for me. And as much as I desire to marry a black man, I won't limit myself where I'll hold out until I "get one", must important is that we could live our lives together I'm late 30's and have no desire to date around but want to get married so it's like u be picky if you want to LOL.

    But saying that to say I wish social outlets would be more responsible concerning this topic, it just feeds into the lie that they we aren't wanted. Mind you there are men that do feel this way but not all do.

  18. Well, I go on vacation for a week and a half and found that another woman has started the group similar to what I was looking to start. Good for her! She is actually a member of the aforementioned group that I joined. I have been checking back with that group (she had joined that one too, I noticed) and the prospects are not favorable to what I am looking for. Too many women. Only three non-black men and one is half of a gay couple. I am joining her group today to see how it goes as it is geared toward black women and wm, specifically.

  19. Selena, glad to see your blog doing so well...wish i had known earlier about raleigh, I would've taken a friend. I will make an effort to visit your blog more often.