Dear Jeremy,
I am a black woman very open to dating white men, but I'm not sure why I'm not being asked out by any? I don't ask guys out because it's not my style. But how can I "encourage" them to ask me out? Help!
Anonymous March 23, 2010
Thank you for writing in and asking this question. It's the #1 question black women ask me or complain about when they are wanting to go in the direction of dating white men. I think most black women are so used to black men approaching them and asking them on dates, they automatically assume that all men are like this. So they start to wonder why white men don't do it although some of them seem interested.
Here's the thing ladies: white men in general don't know
how to approach women or ask them for dates. They don't know how to be straight forward and tell a woman that they are interested. A white man may smile and he may even talk and have good conversation. However they won't approach a woman. White men are just as afraid to approach you as you are to them.
Some black women may find it difficult to approach a white man because she may think "What if this guy is racist, not interested or simply goes off?" Since you said it's not your style to approach men or ask them out, get to know them and feel them out. Smile at the guy and see if he smiles back. Wave to him and say hello. Make some light conversation and let him know you're interested or like white guys. That will let him know that you're interested or and open to dating white men. So at that point it's up to him to take the next step and ask for your number/email or just straight up ask you out. I would say that if you do these things and he still doesn't step up, he's not interested. So just keep it moving forward and continue to look elsewhere. You will find one eventually if you stay on that path. Now if you're online, make small talk with them and do the same things. People seem to be more relaxed and chill online. It's a good way to get to know them and feel them out. This is great because you can do so without having to give any personal information out about yourself without really knowing anything about them.
I hope this helps you out and answers your questions!
If you have more questions, maybe I can do another guest spot here or you can hit me up on my Facebook page
Jeremy Nelson or on Myspace at
BlackWhiteConnections
Hi Jeremy,
Thanks for taking our questions.
There is a white guy that I like and I know he likes me too. The issue is whenever we meet up he wants to ask me very personal, deep questions. This makes me uncomfortable as I am not the sort to share myself so readily with someone I am not very close to, or whose trust has not been proven. This may not be an interracial thing, but just a dating thing. He is very handsome, well educated and a sweetheart, really a catch. Anyways, how can I let him know I am interested, but not interested in revealing the depths of my soul so soon? I have tried evasive actions, but he is so persistent we end up having a quarrel because I become annoyed. Thanks again.
Anonymous, March 24, 2010 1:40 AM
You’re welcome and thank you for writing in!
To be able to fully answer this question I would need to know exactly the questions he's asking because it's normal for people to ask personal questions when they are getting to know someone. In fact that's how you get to know someone as well as build up and develop trust and the ONLY way to prove trust is to test it. Now that doesn't mean you just meet someone and in the first five minutes it's okay for them to ask you tons of extremely personal questions such as sexual topics, your phone number, rather or not you’ve experienced abuse as a child and things like that. However IT IS normal for them to ask you things like, where did you grow up, what was it like growing up for you with x number of brothers/sisters, do you have kids/how many kids, kids ages, your age, ect. Sounds to me like you may have MAJOR trust issues and if this is the case you should deal with those before you step foot into the dating game and start developing something serious with someone.
Other than that, you’re meeting up with them and going places together, as well as talking on the phone, texting and emailing, that alone should tell the guy you’re interested. However if he’s asking you questions to get to know you and you’re blowing up because you’re uncomfortable with the questions, then that's going to tell him that:
a) You're crazy or have MAJOR issues and/or
b) Maybe you aren't as interested as you say or seem and aren't seriously looking as he is.
If you want to continue to get to know him or anyone else and you’re not comfortable with sharing certain bits of information, you need to tell them. If they ask you a clarifying question to understand why you don't won’t answer certain things, then give them one. Let them know that you would appreciate it if they respected you and your feelings enough not to go there. Also let them know ready to you'll let them know.
I hope that answers your question for you and that I wasn't too harsh. However that's my style. I give advice raw and uncut in its purest form without a lot of extra things that can get in the way. If you would like to discuss this further, hit me up on Facebook
here or on Myspace at
BlackWhiteConnections
In the online dating world I have received winks, and smiles, but usually no deeper conversation beyond that. And a lot of these come from men in their late 50's plus. Do I need to be the pursuer? Which is very tough for me. I'd like to hear what I as a Black woman almost 40 need to think, do, in order to let guys know I am single, open to dating White Men preferably closer to my age (versus 55 plus). And in person, I seem to get the smiles too and even the occasional hello's but nothing further, I am guessing it is me - but ... just not sure.
Anonymous March 24, 2010 9:09 AM
Thank you for writing in and let me tell you right now...IT'S NOT YOU!!!!
With these online single dating sites, a vast majority of the users aren't paying members. So basically all they can do is send smiles, winks and things like that. They aren't able to send an email to you or anything like that unless they are paying customers. That's why on my site I'm going to set it up so that free members can send one or two emails per day to reach out to people.
Now I would say that yes, in some form you DO need to be the pursuer. Many people online that are looking for someone on dating sites think all they have to do is post a profile, add a picture and wait for responses. Now, if that's what you're doing it's not very likely that you're going to get many responses. As I said before, most members aren't full paying members and can't send you emails. Also you're limiting yourself to the people who want to reach out to you. These folks may be dealing with their own issues. Some of which may be not feeling comfortable about making the first move or not knowing what to say (don't you just hate filling out those blank profiles and figuring out what to say about yourself?). So with online dating if you want more responses and possible dates, you also need to reach out and be the pursuer as well. Then let the guys email you!
Go through the profiles and see who you would like to get to know and actually read their profile so you can get a feel for them and be prepared to have something to write back if you decide to email them. When you email them just give a simple introductory such as, how are you doing, my name is so and so. I was going through profiles on here and I like what I see in yours. I thought I would stop in to say hi. If you noticed something in common with them on their profile, mention this then wish them a good day and wait to see if they respond.
Most dating sites will allow a non-paying member to send an email back should the paying member send out the initial email. As far as letting guys know that you're single online that's easy because every site has a section asking if you're single, married, involved, or in a long-term relationship. When they look at your profile they will know that you're single. Now as for letting them know you're single in person, smile, say hi and wave to them. Strike up a conversation and let them know you're single and looking. That will let them know you're available and that your interested.
If age and your openness to white men is important, place these points in your profile in the about me section. Let them know exactly what you're looking for so there's no guess-work involved. In person, be approachable smile, wave, or strike up a conversation to see If they are interested. If they are, then you can proceed about being single and not being able to find what you're looking for. If the guy isn't picking up on your clues then make it plain to him and let them know that you're looking for a white man. Because at this point he could be thinking that you're just being nice and wondering why you are telling him all of this. Once you tell him that you're only interested in white men a light should go on. If he's interested, at that point it's up to him to take the ball and run with it.
As I said earlier most white guys don't know how to approach women or are terrified of doing it. So the more you make things easier for them to take that ball and run with it, the better!
I hope this helps you out and answers your questions for you. If you have more questions want to discuss this further with me I would be more than happy to. Just hit me up on Facebook or Myspace . I will be more than happy to help you out as much as I can.
Hey Jeremy
I wanted to know what might be a couple of reasons that may stop a white man from asking a black woman out on a date although he is interested in her?
Anonymous March 25, 2010, 12:12 AM
Hey thanks for writing in with this question. I'm surprised that I haven't been asked this one yet and I think it's VERY important for all of you beautiful black queens to know the answer. Then you don't have to wonder if it's you or if white men aren't interested.
As I've said in some of my earlier responses and on my blogs, white men in general don't know how to approach women-much less a black woman. There's also the issues of wondering if you're interested or if you're a racist. They're also wondering how you'll react if they choose to approach you first (such as looking at them crazy or going off). Basically the fear of not knowing how you'll respond plays a big part in it.
Also there's the issue that perhaps his friends/family may be racist. Then there's the issue of trying to explain his relationship to his family. He may also believe that he won't be comfortable with some of the looks that the two of you no doubt will get while out in public. And last but not least,there's the issue or concern of how your family will react and if they are racist. You may be surprised of the war stories I have heard from other couples that have reached out and decided to go down this path.
I myself have never had anything extremely bad happen. But I will say that with every single black woman who I have dated over the past 12 years, there has been at least one person that in her family that tried to step to me. Most have been warnings like If I hurt her or don't treat her right they will beat me or even kill me and things like that. I've never been the one whose been scared of threats. Let's just say that I'm well known in the streets and every woman that's been with me has always felt protected. Besides, I'm a gentleman and I don't treat ANY woman in that sort of manner. So connected friends and family members never had anything to worry about.
Thanks again everyone for the questions and thank you once again Selena for inviting me to do this guest spot on your blog. Everyone, be on the look out for
BlackWhiteConnections this summer because we are doing some MAJOR things that have NEVER been done before and will blow your mind!
Jeremy
